Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ramblings on depression, personal power, connections and fear...

My depression cycle is not as strong as it was, but I am still crying a few tears most mornings. I am lonely. When I work as many hours as I am now, I find myself disconnected from Diana very quickly. I am trying hard not to be, but she is tired after work and needs lots of time alone to decompress and do things that are important to her. She tries to draw me in with TV shows, but mostly I just want words and touch. I wish we could go away a bit and just be together.

Also, when I work so many hours, so many days a week, I start to feel that there is nothing to look forward to. I know this isn't exactly true, but not only do I disconnect from people, I disconnect from plans and events. To a certain extent I disconnect from any emotions. That is what keeps me trekking and doing things that to many would seem nearly impossible.

This time, I am trying to do it right. We are at a place where I need to give work a huge chunk of my time, but I am trying (perhaps a bit desperately) to stay connected to people and events and even things that matter to me. It is hard because when I am disconnected from Diana, we have more trouble making plans together and we are a together kind of couple. I am struggling hard to keep pushing on this front too.

At the age of 47, I am feeling a need to stretch my personal power. To ask for the things that I need until I get them. Not to be greedy, to also give to others the way I want to and know that they need me to even when it isn't easy for them to receive. We have more money, and we have reliable transportation. There is space in our lives for some "mores" even if time is tight.

The hardest thing about having more money is prioritizing. I find if I am working hard at the money earning thing, I am not willing to live as if I am super poor. This requires a lot more decision making than when you know every penny is going to pay the rent!

The hardest thing about having less time is prioritizing. When you have a lot of time, you say yes a lot. I still want to say yes because I am eager for people and experiences. I feel like my life is ticking away and saying no gives me less when I want more. At the same time, there are always going to be a few no's. For money and time.

Lots of things I want to write about but that work thing is calling...and have I mentioned the laundry...

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