Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Polyamory Manifesto

The time has come to make another personal polyamory manifesto. I am polyamorous, which I define to mean that I do not limit those my lovers love and I expect the same in return. I personally am polyamorous because I have found that monogamy unnecessarily breaks down intimacy in a relationship and easily sets up situations that can lead to distrust. I realize that some forms of polyamory do the same thing and that many monogamous people would disagree with my conclusions. I am fine with that because my relationship patterns only need to be successful to me and those I am involved with.

Diana is my partner in life, the one who I count on to listen to me until she sees me no matter how difficult it becomes. She is the one who I make plans for the future with, those types of plans that involve growing old together. She is the one I continuously work to see, even as she continually evolves, even when it is not easy for me. We do not have rules about other loves, but Diana sees that I need to know everything, and I am careful with her in all things because I know her personal vulnerabilities. To most people, Diana and I would appear to be the typical lesbian couple, living our life with our kids and our jobs and our hobbies, etc., and basically we are!

But we date other people on occasion. Usually together, sometimes apart. We have a boyfriend who has been a close part of our lives for nearly four years. Our relationship with him is unconventional, but I feel closer to him as time progresses, and I cannot easily imagine him not being close to me, even if he were to move far away, or have a primary partner who he lived with and was dedicated to creating a future with on a deep level. And yes, we still both look for more.

Part of my polyamory pathway involves the pursuit of intimate relationships. I do not define intimate in a physical sexual way (although I am fine with that type of intimacy!) I define intimate as knowing who someone is and forming a close connection with that person. I find that polyamory makes it easy to have these types of relationships for me. I don't have to draw lines between what is OK and what is not OK. I can relax and be safe. I have always had trouble with social conventions, and polyamory makes it easy to base relationships on things that are truly important to me and the one I am with.

Diana has a need for friendship and closeness too. Diana is one of those people who seems to be born for polyamory. When she first heard of the philosophy, her response was a hearty yes. It can be hard to move beyond the monogamous paradigm, but when you get it, and it feels right, it can be a wonderful thing for personal growth, and the intentional families formed are often stronger than those that simply follow the expected path.


  1. I think this is a beautiful approach to relationships! I've had conversations with other polyamorous people and can easily see many positives to the choice, but I've never thought about it from the angle of the different levels of intimacy and how it enables a person to not have to draw so many lines between what is and isn't okay in their various relationships. I can really see how that would be freeing. Thanks so much for sharing this!

    1. Thank you for reading. It helps me a lot to write things out sometimes, choosing my words carefully until I know that I've said things in a way that shows very closely how I feel.