Thursday, August 8, 2013

Random Ramblings About Relationships

Tips on Dealing with Frustration and Anger in Yourself & Others

*Compassionate Listening - Listen, listen, listen and listen some more. Listen deeper. The goal of listening is both understanding and giving the other person the opportunity to express themselves and feel heard. Also to give the other person a basic sounding board as they work through their problems.

Compassionate Listening is work. It requires practice. It requires deep mindfulness and peace.

*Loving Speech - Speech must be slow to come. Words should be weighed. Each word should be spoken with deep love. The goals of loving speech are validation for the other person and increasing understanding both ways in the relationship. Loving speech should always be honest. If an honest thought is found to be unloving, it should not become speech.

*Place Understanding of the Other Ahead of Being Understood - A friend of mine once wrote that in any relationship one should always plan on doing 75% of the work. If you set out in that direction, accepted that premise, the relationship would proceed much smoother.

This is true with understanding also. The goal of your relationship should always be to understand the other person better. Yes, we all long to be understood. The point is that that will come better from the loving place of trying to understand deeply than from a continual effort to explain oneself or a continual dissatisfaction in how well understood you are.

Why should we deal with anger? What is wrong with anger and frustration?

In relationships, anger often leads to separation. No one wants to be around an angry or frustrated person. Anger is at least partially directed at oneself anyways. Relationships require togetherness.

Anger and frustration have their place as a foundation for change.

Relationship anger and frustration rarely are directed towards change. So listen well, practice at it, work on mindfulness at other times to better let go of your emotional response during difficult interactions. Weight your words and restrain speech when necessary. Share loving speech. Validate. Validate, validate, validate. (Yes, I am an unschooler.) Validation, seeing, being present - those are the foundations of healthy relationships.

1 comment:

  1. It is hard to be mindful when one is frustrated or angry. I am sorry I am not better at validating. I love you!