Sunday, July 13, 2014

I try to embrace humanity with love. Sometimes it is hard for me. Mostly the difficulties arise from my own anxiety and insecurities. A funny thing is that I have always had a distance and anxiety towards other human beings, but at the same time I have a strong desire to create intimate connections with others. It is one of my life callings. When I succeed in forming those connections, wonderful things happen. They take time and energy, but they are worth the effort.

On the other hand, sometimes it is hard to make the choice to move towards connection. I am a true introvert, and interacting with most people is very draining to me. Lots of times, I think that I would rather read a book or go for a long walk than spend time interacting with others. I have been making progress towards making the connection choice more often this year. The key is making more conscious decisions instead of quick reactions in the moment.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ramblings on depression, personal power, connections and fear...

My depression cycle is not as strong as it was, but I am still crying a few tears most mornings. I am lonely. When I work as many hours as I am now, I find myself disconnected from Diana very quickly. I am trying hard not to be, but she is tired after work and needs lots of time alone to decompress and do things that are important to her. She tries to draw me in with TV shows, but mostly I just want words and touch. I wish we could go away a bit and just be together.

Also, when I work so many hours, so many days a week, I start to feel that there is nothing to look forward to. I know this isn't exactly true, but not only do I disconnect from people, I disconnect from plans and events. To a certain extent I disconnect from any emotions. That is what keeps me trekking and doing things that to many would seem nearly impossible.

This time, I am trying to do it right. We are at a place where I need to give work a huge chunk of my time, but I am trying (perhaps a bit desperately) to stay connected to people and events and even things that matter to me. It is hard because when I am disconnected from Diana, we have more trouble making plans together and we are a together kind of couple. I am struggling hard to keep pushing on this front too.

At the age of 47, I am feeling a need to stretch my personal power. To ask for the things that I need until I get them. Not to be greedy, to also give to others the way I want to and know that they need me to even when it isn't easy for them to receive. We have more money, and we have reliable transportation. There is space in our lives for some "mores" even if time is tight.

The hardest thing about having more money is prioritizing. I find if I am working hard at the money earning thing, I am not willing to live as if I am super poor. This requires a lot more decision making than when you know every penny is going to pay the rent!

The hardest thing about having less time is prioritizing. When you have a lot of time, you say yes a lot. I still want to say yes because I am eager for people and experiences. I feel like my life is ticking away and saying no gives me less when I want more. At the same time, there are always going to be a few no's. For money and time.

Lots of things I want to write about but that work thing is calling...and have I mentioned the laundry...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Cycling

At 10:30 or 11:00 or noon, acceptance doesn't feel too hard. I sit still and work on it like a kind of meditation. I breathe in and out and whisper "Let is be." By 3 p.m. I feel joy, and I anticipate things being wonderful and great. By 7 or 8 or certainly 9 p.m. I am scared and anxious. In the morning, after the first 15 to 30 minutes, sadness washes over me, and I want so much.

I have three sides, and one is placid and accepting. Another is anxious, scared and hiding. The last is striving, determined, needy and wishing for power & intensity; fun & spontaneity is a plus.

How does one reconcile the various parts of themselves? I like to think there is a place and a time for all. Right now, my determined, needing, craving intensity part is screaming and making me sad far too often. Especially in the morning, after the 15 minutes of newness and hope wears off.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Random Rambling Vague Life Update

This is not going to be a week with a lot of time for blogging.

I am working a lot. My house is starting to get messy. I am not quite keeping up with the laundry. We need the money right now though so I am going to plow through towards my goals.

I have spring fever big time, and especially on sunny days, I only want to have fun. Unfortunately, I am one of those persons who don't really know how to have fun. I am trying to learn by relaxing just a little bit and trying to figure out how to assert my needs without running over anyone else's. All that might just require a little more social skills and common sense than I was born with, but I can give it a shot!

Esme started a job at McDonalds yesterday. It went well. She needs a bike soon though because otherwise she will spend way too much time waiting for Diana. Toni is Toni. He is jumping into the yard work with a fierce determination. We are going to kill some of the poison ivy this year. I want to be able to hang my laundry outside all summer without fear of contamination. Also, I want the grandkids to be able to play outside more freely when they visit.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Life Update

Whee! This has been a much busier week than I anticipated, and as I near the end of it, I realize that I have not earned as much money as I'd have liked, especially after a few extra expenses last week! BUT I have a new bonus opportunity next week. It will be challenging, but I think I will go for it.

In other news, I am fairly happy at the moment. I can't be sure how long it will last, but I am glad about it for now. I am getting wiser even as I think my intelligence may be dwindling. Right now, I am focusing on learning how to take care of myself. It is more challenging than any other thing that I have ever done before.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A Glimpse at the Inner Workings of My Mind

Yesterday Diana said to me, "Did you just interject a completely unrelated question into the middle of a statement you were making to me?" (Those might not be her precise words.)

And I replied, "Yes."

For that is how my brain works. It just goes off in every which direction, and I must verbally state or otherwise express those thoughts or they might be gone for awhile (perhaps forever).